WOMEN CAN CURE MEN

Honestly speaking, I am tired of how women, both young and old complain about men. This is not because I’m a guy but because I have tried everything possible to see how I could help with the problem and yet women would always complain “men, men, men – you men ehn…?”  And most times, they end the meaningless sentence with a sustained hiss. All males may be the same because we all have the same biological make-up but not all men are the same because we don’t all have the same religious, cultural and academic background and orientation.

It was a stand-up comedian that said when a man marries, he prays to God wishing she doesn’t change – “Just like this and I will love you for life.” But when a woman marries, she prays “how I wish he could stop hanging out with his friends and drastically reduce the amount of time he spends watching the TV” forgetting the fact that he was like that long before the marriage.

I remember my mum – Bodicia advising my aunt to know her husband. She said, “when I see a lady hugging my husband in public and giving him a peck, I would not complain because he was like that before I met him and before I married him.” My mom wasn’t advising me but I was there when my aunt was being advised so I took the advice serious; I didn’t want to marry any girl who was too sensitive, possessive and jealous. I was  going to be, and I am a public personality and have many ladies around me. I didn’t want a lady who would frustrate me because of my jobs. Thank God, the lady in my life is a backbone who accepts the nature of my jobs.

I and many other counselors of the past have devised many means by which women could be helped in understanding and relating with the men in their lives and around them. I have discovered another trick that I believe would help women better in understanding men. You may think that I am just being a male chauvinist and gender bias, but if you have been following my teachings over the decade, you would agree that I support women more than I even support the male folks. With this piece, I wish to tell you a black and white fact; the problem of men is women. Oh no, you definitely don’t want to agree with that. I know I got you on that one; you don’t want to accept that one, right? But before you get shocked and vexed and refuse completing this article, I would like to remind you that it is really women that can cure men.

Every male child has a mother who is supposed to teach him the all-in-all of life including how to treat a woman. Don’t get me wrong – men ought to be proper fathers, educators and care givers too and not just providers. Dads ought to also teach their sons who men are and what it entails to be a man and also how to properly treat a woman. However, let’s see some examples from the Bible where moms helped out: the mother and grandmother of Timothy (2Timothy 1:5) had to teach him the fundamentals of being dedicated to God and Lemuel’s  mother did not fail to advise her crowned prince how to be a king (Proverbs 31). In the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel, we have stories where mothers made their sons do what pleased God even when the king(s) didn’t ordinarily want to do so.

Men listen to women a lot every day whether they are their mothers, sisters, neighbours, relatives or lovers. It is very difficult for a man to say no completely and totally when it is a woman that needs the answer, help or support. That’s why women such as Delilah would always find it very easy to destroy a man like Samson and also to influence a lover just like Jazeebel and Herodas did their kings.  This is why I find it very difficult to understand what women are saying when they complain that men are and would always men! In actual sense, it should be men are women.

Every child is born a dummy with a blank mind and knows no orientation, has no beliefs, culture, or language. No child knows the proper way to do things or relate with others. No child has bad manners or good manners; they are born blank. It is the orientation they get from the people around them that influences their life-style. This orientation defines their life-style, it wires their behavior. Every child is born a male or female (sexes), it is society that makes us men or women, boy or girl (gender). And for the people that are too young for the society to influence, they call children/child. So instead of complaining about men, maybe it’s time to complain about society. And who is the society? They are a bunch of men and women who are males and females, nurtured mainly by female-women.

And usually, the first human contact and most human contact a child gets in the first to ten years of its life are women; mom, sisters and maids who help in care giving, the nanny and early child care giver at the crèche, the female teacher in school – women everywhere. The question I ask myself is “what orientation do these women give these boys when they are with them?” Today, I know how to treat women well. I learned this behavior from two people mainly – my dad and my counselor and this was during my teen years. It was late, but it’s better late than never.

I remember that one of my counsellees several years ago almost posted on her facebook wall that “behind every bitch, there is a man.” Trust your guy nau, I was very quick in responding to her that “behind every insensitive, stingy and heartless man lies one who cares?… whatever, he is a man woman”. For every guy that is a heart breaker, sometimes in his life, there was a teenage (puppy) love that left him for a teacher, a university student or a senior etc. and ever since then, he promised to change women like diapers and treat them like rag. Such a guy is usually one who heard the way his mother and sisters and their friends down-talk men, perhaps cheated or even had the pressure from his sisters and other female friends to breakup with his girl, on the grounds that she was this and that.

Women teach us not to cry – that we are men and that men don’t cry. Indirectly, they are teaching us not to show sympathy, empathy or reveal our emotions, no matter how down we are. And as such, when later in life, we fail to advance no emotions towards their problem, they complain. The bad thing about it is that it is not the lady that gives us the bad orientation that suffers it, it is maybe her daughter, sister, relative, friend or “sister” in the future.

Every young woman sees it as weakness and a shameful thing for her boyfriend to cry, but when he converts that emotion to anger and make a mad shout, she complains that he is rude and violent. My mom’s death taught me a lesson, an experience that I can’t forget in a hurry – I don’t wish to ever forget the experience sef. I refused to cry and the emotions welled up inside me. I didn’t want to cry, I was to be there for my dad and my four younger siblings. I was to, to a large extent; determine the mood, atmosphere and emotion of the house. But mhen, after about two months, I crashed emotionally and for about 9years after her death, there were times I woke up crying the death of my mom. I almost quit school at a particular time; thank God for my dad who spoke sense into me. I have shed some tears this year (2016) too sef.

So once a friend loses a loved one, I advise him or her to cry. I remember my fiancée asked me some months ago if I would be comfortable to cry in her presence, and I answered in the affirmative. I have even cried before her. When her dad died some months ago and some persons tried stopping her from crying at the grave side, I stopped them. When she would call on phone and start crying, I just allowed her to cry. Now, she has gone past that emotional trauma in such a short time.

Dude, there  is nothing bad with crying as long as it’s not a pity party you are calling and you aren’t mourning beyond the normal and necessary. Babes, there is nothing wrong with a guy who cries. Crying isn’t feminine. It isn’t only females that have tear glands. I remembered how my friends were shocked to see me cry this month. I went for a programme and was too physically weak to get home, so I called a friend who is also a counselor of the Alright’s Passion to take me home. The moment she told me “oyah let’s go” to the car, I just started crying. Hahahahaha. All the persons around me where shocked.

When I was asked later why I cried, I told them that it was because I felt bad and terrible for myself. This was me that could handle 5 cases in court in a day, attend a meeting in the evening, do all-night prayers all through that same night and travel for a speaking engagement the next morning to another state. It was now this same me that was needing help to just get home. I cried. However, the moment I was helped into the car and I calmed down, I started gisting normal and laughing. I had cured the depression and inner hurt. Well, I have automatically discovered that I am no longer a teenager who has all the adrenaline to go up and down without taking health precautions.

I took permission from Taire Stephen to share his opinion with you on this same subject:

“THE MACHO MAN

Perhaps the greatest set back of such men of (sic) their inability to show love and tenderness. As a little boy, mommy always told him, “Stop crying, men don’t cry”. She didn’t know it then but she was unconsciously building the perfect human machine; a Cyborge (sic). Gradually he grew up to learn to hide his inner feelings and suppress his emotions; this unfortunately included the feeling of love.

He hardly smiles, laughs, or expresses his inner feelings. He can date a woman for close to two years before attempting to say the words “I love you”. Should you however start to think that the jinx is broken when you finally hear him say  those three words some twelve months into the relationship on some magical evening, you may want to think again. It may be another year before you hear those words again so make sure you get a tape recorder or camcorder to get such rare moments recorded so you can have them played back over again in the future.

His rigid, seemingly emotionless approach to life does not mean that he doesn’t have feelings, feel pain or desire to share love. The problem however is because he was brought up to believe men should be tough and unbreakable, he has a really hard time showing his woman he cares for her. This in turn may lead to more fights than necessary, a feeling of insecurity on the woman’s part and a failure of the relationship to reach the richest depths of fulfillment, pleasure and sharing possible between a man and a woman in love.”

Taire Stephen shared the above truth in his book Understanding Men © 2006. Pages 37 & 38 and I was privileged to get his permission to share it with you.

Let’s continue our gist. 

Personally, I believe that women Can Cure Men of all the “men troubles and issues” in three Ways. So let’s explore them immediately.

1. By being his mother:

How? Not many mothers can boldly say that they have taught their son(s) how to befriend a girl, value her emotions and treat her like a sister. How many mothers have taught their sons how to understand women and what women think about them? All they know how to teach their sons are not to marry a wife that will not respect them (their mother) or a wife from a village which they don’t approve of or a girl they don’t just like.

I know there is this great attachment which a mum shares with his son and oxytocin during breast feeding can be blamed. This could be traced to the breastfeeding relationship and all the psychological concepts of male children getting attached to their mothers and female children getting attached to their dads (Sigmund Freud explained this to the world better). But we shouldn’t be selfish mothers. Before he marries, he is all yours, after the marriage, stick to your husband and allow another woman to have her own man.

I am very particular about my sister Diana because when I baby-sat her, although I really didn’t like her, because I didn’t want a sister, but mom kept on saying I would grow to love her and so, she taught me how to treat her. Today, I love her like kilode and only bae ranks above her. And thanks to my counselor, another “woman” who taught me several years ago how to treat a woman – my babe is a beneficiary of all those lessons today.

2. By being his sister and friend 

It suffice to say that girls who are ordinary (platonic) friends of guys or who are their sister(s) fail to mentor their male friends on how to treat a woman. All they want to help you do is to investigate if the girl you wish to date is a prostitute or to screen the babe of any bad character. I am bold to say that whatever any girl enjoys from me today is to a large extent a product of what my female friends have made me be and what any lady also suffers week  from me today is what the female friends around me (may) have (possibly) taught me unconsciously.

The way most men relate with women is a product of what they have by experience, side comments, gist, mentorship learned from other women. So stop blaming men. It’s time to cure men and women can cure men.

3. By being his love: 

It is difficult for a guy to want to hurt or displease a person he loves – romantically. Yes, he may be harsh and rude and bad tempered, but when it comes to that particular babe, my friend would say “oh ma!” He is the milkiest angel in the entire universe. If you have a guy who is crazy over you in such a manner, why not teach him what a lady desire and teach him how to treat a woman instead of inferring that he already knows or he is supposed to know how. In all sincerity and honesty, most men really don’t know how to treat women.

I am very appreciative of the women I have around me – all the counselors of the Alright’s Passion. They always put me on my toes in how I treat and relate with women. Let me tell you how some of them deal with me; Udokwu Joy Adaobi would always attack the slightest wrong way and manner I address a lady (she is a tushed “feminist”. Hahahaha). Fisayo Dayo-Samuel doesn’t mind travelling from Lagos to Ibadan to pull my ears and I fear Babatunde Dolapo’s eyes. Eniola Adebayo-Atenibiaje would always shake her head for me and Architech Chinenye Chime-Obi is always ready to give me the sound advice and drive me to the market to get the proper gift. So if you think I am that perfect dude, it is actually because I have many perfect ladies in my tribe, my circle.

This is what I am talking about:

If the women in our lives play they role they are supposed to play; the role of being proper orientation givers, educators, we would always be what they want. If a man is generous, it is because his woman allows him and if he is wicked, it is also because his woman permits him. Don’t think of changing him when he is already old or married. Start correcting him as your little baby boy and as that little brother of yours. Many men have done crazy things just to please the women in their lives. That’s how influential you are, dear lady.

Adam ruined paradise to please Eve. Abraham caused the cold and hot war between two religions while pleasing a woman. John De Baptist went to heaven early because one king wanted to please one little girl. Samson didn’t mind jeopardizing the fate of a nation for a woman and Ahab rebelled against his God for his queen. Because of a woman, Jesus performed His first miracle even when it wasn’t yet His time. Don’t forget that Adolf Hitler is said to have done what he did to please a woman. Dear lady, you are that influential on and over the men around you. Did you know that if one lady that I was then attracted to, didn’t approve of me running the Alright’s Passion on campus, this ministry would most likely not have started in 2008?

It’s simple, very simple; women can cure men. Go cure the men around you. And don’t forget that it is your relationship with Jesus that makes your sex and romantic life sweet.

God bless Nigeria (good people, great nation).

You Rock!

Download the PDF copy here 

Photo credit: Mr Charles and Mrs Chisom Alaukwu

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