GOD WANTS ME TO HAVE SEX; WHEN? HOW? AND WHY?

Dear teen, let’s gist. I stopped being a teen about 9years ago so I don’t think that’s too far away for me to be able to relate understandably with you. Besides, I work with teens every day. So let’s rock and roll.

Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right. -Songs of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4 NLT

The problem isn’t that your parents, pastors, counsellors and God don’t want you to have sex, but the when, the how and the why is the issue. So God wants you to have sex, but When? How? And why?

When?

In marriage. I think the answer is short and straight forward. God and your parents want you to have sex when married. See ehn, if you don’t have sex when married, your God and your parents would worry because that’s the proper time to have sex. You should be having sex in marriage.

How?

With your spouse, in a way that he or she likes. In a way that doesn’t violate his or her conscience or hurt your partner’s body. Many people argue what style of sex is right and what style isn’t right. Well, for me, once it doesn’t violate your partner’s conscience and once it doesn’t hurt your partner’s body or risky to his or her health, I think it is okay. However, I find anal sex as wrong. I believe it is unnatural and unhealthy.

Why?

To bond you and your partner more to each other (thank God for oxytocin). To give each other pleasure, recreation, and to procreate (when you want to).

Most people think God is wicked. They also think that their parents and counselors like me are unfair for not wanting them to have sex as teens, or as singles. But that’s the issue. I don’t want you to say NO. No way. That would be wickedness when I think about all the hormonal activities going on in your body and all those fantasies and adventures rolling in your head. I only want you to say no to wrong sexual activity. Wrong sex is any and every sexual activity with a person who isn’t your spouse and that other person could be you (in masturbation).

I want you to say YES to sex. That’s why I am a sex advocate. If you have followed me over the years, you must have noticed I speak more for sex than against it. I want you to have sex. Good sex. Great sex. Mouth moaning, sheets tearing and body sweating sex. The issue is just WHEN? HOW? and WHY?

Your answer to only the why would show if your when and how is right or wrong. If sex is to bond you to one person, why bond sexually with a person who you aren’t married to? Oh no, not now please; don’t tell me you guys would marry each other. Until you are married, you aren’t married; no matter how close you guys are to each other and no matter how close the wedding date is. Besides, we have had many relationships breakup on morning of the proposed wedding.

I have used many analogies to explain these principles to different group of teens in different states this year (2016). But I will use only one here.

The motor car
Your sexuality is like a car and I want to believe that you know how a car operates. Let’s take the manual and automatic motor cars into consideration here. The proper way to start a car is to first ensure it is in neutral although your gear shift is marked 1-5. While in neutral, you are supposed to listen to your engine and check your fuel and oil level and your tire and water level on the dash board (for modern digital cars, if not, you have to go round your automobile to check your tires). Oh before you start, you are required to open your bonnet, check the water level in your radiator, your level oil, etc. Modern digital cars save you this stress.

When you start the car, you don’t just initiate your gear lever 1. You check your side mirrors to see if you should go or not, turn or not. And sometimes, the decision may be to reverse. I will come to reverse later. Besides, most German cars start with reverse and not 1. So before a person starts having sex, before you initiate gear 1. You have to be prepared for it, having observed your car and finding it fit to be on the road.

In gear 1, the car takes so much energy to move. That’s why your first sex takes so much physical, mental and emotional worries, concerns, fears; energy to have. But with time, you initiate gear level 2, 3 etc and even pull the cruise (auto-pilot) lever.

Most of us grew in Naija and learned driving here, we usually forget some things; we abandon them sef. Ordinarily, before you have the right to move that car, you ought to have a permit. It starts with a learner’s permit. This is why we say sex is a skill. It is learned and mastered. And we usually say that what you receive on your wedding day ought to be a learner’s permit and not a professional’s certificate. It’s a learner’s permit to learn and explore sex with your spouse. From time on, you would realize you no longer are a learner, having mastered sex and your spouse’s body and emotions.

I know many friends who think they know how to drive. But all they know is how to drive an automatic. When you have premarital sex, you learn with automatic. But when you get to marriage, you are presented with a manual motor-car because you need to learn the emotions, attitudes, predispositions and body of your partner. Haven’t you realized that most of the people, more than 80% of them with sexual issues in marriage were sexually active before marriage? Why isn’t their experience and skill helping them in marriage? Maybe this is because they learned sex with automatic and not manual motor-cars. They didn’t go through the process.

This is it

When you don’t learn how to drive properly, instead of using your mirrors to reverse and park, you will take one hand to the passenger’s seat and turn your head 180 degrees to see your back. My guy, my babe, no be so. Hahahaha.

In Nigeria, no matter how tall or big you are, if you aren’t 18 yet, no driver’s permit for you. So, no matter how big your penis or breast is, no matter how firm your erection is or how oceanic your vagina becomes, if you don’t have the license, the permit, which is marriage, to have sex, even if you drive, you are wrong and do it well, you are wrong! Let me talk to you as a lawyer; you are an offender (a criminal, as some will say). You may have been driving for a long time and nothing tragic even happened. But one day, police or Road safety will catch you. One day, a small crash may occur and the other person’s insurance company will do you weeeehhhn. It may just be an incurable STD, a baby that refuses to go through abortion, a major destruction of a part of your body and plenty emotional hurts and scars.

 Getting it straight.
So when should you enter a relationship? When you are ready to get married. When should you have sex? In marriage. When will you be ready for marriage? Ehn, that depends on your age and maturity and also your culture. In Nigeria, under the marriage Act, except with the express permission of your parents, usually in writing, you cannot marry below 21 years, statutorily (the one you people call court wedding). However, marriage under customary law is based on the attainment of puberty. But with modern laws and rules about child this and that, unless a person is up to 18 years old, the person may not be able to marry; marriage below that age is an offence. Once a person has married under the customary law at 28, the statutory law of 21 can no longer hold because marriage deems you an adult.

Mind you, a boy of 14 can freely have sex but for girls, the age is 16. Once you have sex with a boy less than 14, it’s a sexual offence. Once you have sex with a girl less than 16, it’s a sexual offence, even if na she beg you do am.

While teens may feel they are old enough to make sexual decisions, counsellors think otherwise. If you aren’t deemed fit and old enough to marry, based on the maturity of your mind and “body”, why do you think you are mature enough in your sexuality and emotions to have sex?

 

In fact, the mere fact that you no fit hold body till marriage shows that you lack some basic sexual discipline, maturity, self-mastery and leadership. When teens have sex or go into relationships, they are like drivers who don’t know how to use the side mirrors or read the signs on the dash board.

It isn’t the emergence of your breast, menstrual flow and pubic hair that gives you license to sex and relationship. Nor wet dreams and a cracked voice. Check it out; most relationship and sexual regrets we adults have today are wrong decisions and things we did as teenagers.

Usually, once a person can remain a virgin throughout his or her teen days, it is very rare to have such a person lose it at 20-something. If he or she does, it is under the pressure of wanting to keep a partner and not out of hormonal influence, experimentation, adventure, temptation or the likes.

So regarding our sexuality, sometimes, we just have to park. Other times, we have to reverse. We sometimes just have to see that we are in the wrong relationship and sexual route and initiate the reverse gear so we could change route. Sometimes, we could just use the side and rear-view mirrors and just make a sharp U-turn. Other times, you just have to park and take your hands off the wheels, pulling the handbrake.

So when you realize that you have been doing the wrong thing sexually and emotionally, use the side mirrors to know where to make a U-turn into or use the rear-view mirror and just reverse the one way. But if you are so confused and don’t know where to turn to, just park, pull the hand breaks (or step on it where applicable), remove your hands from the wheel and scream “Jesus, take the wheels!”

So God wants you to have sex. Your parents want you to, too. Your pastor and counsellor would be worried if you choose to say No for life. We are all only concerned about when, how and where you choose to say YES to sex.

Based on the songs of Solomon scriptures I quoted earlier on, my gospel is not NO to sex but YES to sex at the right time, with the right person, for the right purpose.

Sex doesn’t need rehearsals.

Always remember that it is your relationship with Jesus that makes you sex and romantic life sweet.

God bless Nigeria (good people, great nation). You rock!