Handle Your Partner’s Heart With Care (Part 1)

 

My Dearest Heart, my one and only Greatest Lover

 …Honey, I am not Romeo and I want no Juliet.

Remember I am the village boy that lives off the stream path.

After our connection last night under the dogoyaro tree

At about the time the moon was above our heads,

I wrote this down for you to read.

Don’t take it personal. It’s just how I feel and think.

This is my heart; handle with care!

Maybe I see and hear too much and end up talking too much. However, I am not an amebo or an over-sabi and I am also not a tatafo or aproco. All I do is to give my opinion (and God’s opinion) regarding what I see and hear in my everyday course of life.

As a counselor, my goal is to always ensure that my counseling is true and accurate to the Bible, balanced and culturally relevant. And this will I do with this piece. It must have been on Facebook or Nairaland  that someone asked, several years ago, if hearts actually get broken when people say they have a heart break.

A heartbreak is nothing but an intense feeling of hurt which is not physical but emotional. A heart isn’t ceramic or a biscuit tablet, so it doesn’t get broken in that sense of brokenness. According to Dictionary.Com, a heartbreak means “great sorrow, grief, or anguish.” I like the way UrbanDictionary.com explains it and I hereby adopt her definition for heartbreak:

 “the absolute worst feeling in the entire world. When one is heartbroken they may actually feel such an intense pain, they don’t even want to live anymore. One may feel heartbreak when a (romantic) relationship comes to an end or when one has been cheated on, etc. You cannot think about anything except for the awful pain you feel and how much you hate the person for leaving you, and at the same time desperately want them back. Heartbreak literally feels like someone stabbing a knife into your chest and twisting it repeatedly.”

I know that some persons say they have never had a heartbreak and that it ain’t possible for one to be “heartbroken” as people say, but I like an example UrbanDictionary.Com gives in addition to the above definition: “I never knew why they called it “heartbreak” until I experienced it.”

My dad, who happens to be one of my greatest icon, my role-model and also one of my mentors in love, sex and relationship matters, made it clear in his own way that “Son, there is nothing wrong if you get into a relationship, the only problem is having to get into one with the wrong person and breaking up later. Don’t enter a relationship in which you know and you’re certain would end in a breakup.” And as at today, I am still not a bad boy.

From personal and professional experience, I have seen that most people go into relationship just to belong. They don’t have a plan of ever getting married to the person and they don’t want to even consider getting married to the person either, yet, they are in a romantic relationship with him/her. They are just being friends with (romantic) benefits. “Let’s see how it goes” is most often the foundation of such relationships. It’s like everyone is just dating for dating sake. We just want to be seen and known with someone and we don’t care what follows thereafter. At first, nobody seems to consider that “let’s see how it goes” could have some real devastating effect on the emotions and life of the other person.

If we all knew that we were actually handling another person’s heart, life, future and emotions plus opinion about our sex and gender when we decide to get into casual relationships, maybe we would rather stay single than having a fluctuating, rollercoaster relationship status like a deck-chair.           Life ain’t Facebook relationship status. You are either single, or married; don’t make it “complicated.”

When a girl loves you, (or a guy does), treat that person as a human being and not an item you pick from the mall to please you and that when it stops pleasing you, it is disposed. If you have to throw such an item like a loved-one away, please do it into the “recycle bin”  I pray, so that such person could be recycled for the better by someone else.

We must not all have to bear or continue with unhealthy relationships. Yes, a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage and while a breakup is an option before marriage, it is (almost) out of it when it is a marriage. I believe that there are many justified and righteous grounds for divorce, however, I wish to state that God didn’t plan it to be so and that you can have a marriage without divorce. There are more married people who have never divorced than there are divorced people around you.

You must have come across articles and books on “how to end it without being hurt”  but you should know so well (including all the writers of those materials) that it is not easy to end a relationship, and it is almost impossible for you to do so without feeling some hurt; unless you never had feelings for the said person in the first place.

I still remember something I read from Awake! several years ago; “a divorce (or breakup) is like a mini-death.” I remember when I heard my campus fellowship pastor, Erezi Okpakpa say that “to breakup is not to stop loving” .  Someone said, “there is no better way to leave a woman/end a relationship but to walk away”  and I wondered if the person ever had a relationship whose  partner walked out from, and how he or she felt with such breakup.

You may have to consider this before you take the above position or worse still, adopt it as the perfect break up pattern. To break up is NOT to stop loving nor does ending a relationship mean to hate. Show some love and respect when doing it. Remember the other person was once the love of your life. Remember also that the other person is a human with emotions and not some item you found in the supermarket which has outlived its purpose.

I think the major problem is that most of us cannot just remain as friends with nice persons of the other sex. We fail to realize that the fact that somebody is nice or cool does not mean we should (and can) build a romantic relationship with them. Some persons are better off as friends – nice ones. Many have lost good friends just because they wanted to make them lovers and I am one of such persons. I learned early and quickly and today, I have amazing female friends that the whole world expected us to date but we didn’t. I am enjoying the friendship now. I am so sure that if we had a romantic relationship, we would definitely have broken up by now.

Never mix business with pleasure for you may lose the person as a lover and as a business partner.

I have come to realize that in life, the beautiful ones are not yet born and that I should not expect or await their birth. I either accept or treat the one I have as the beautiful one or make her the beautiful one. One day, several years ago, I was in church and pondering on all the heartbreaks some of our counsellees were going through and all it was taking us at the Alright’s Passion to help them out; then it struck me that I could help the situation by tackling how we guys (and girls) end relationships without taking the other person into consideration.

In one of our old campus shows on “how to end a relationship” and also in one of our old articles – “How to overcome a breakup” , we stated that “do not end a relationship in a humiliating way. It must not end with a fight – it did not start with one. If possible (and try everything possible), do not end a relationship on a Sunday or Monday morning thereby spoiling your victim’s Sunday worship or entire week.

The best day of the week to breakup could be Thursday or Friday in order for the person to have sometime (the weekend) to cry or sort it out personally; mentally and emotionally. If you do it during the week, you would not only spoil  the person’s week but would also spoil their productivity on their job/academics, causing negative economic effects on us all.

Do not do it in the course of a ceremony where he or she is celebrating or before his/her family or friends or at the person’s office. If you cannot do it one-on-one in a pre-arranged meeting, then you may have to do it on phone after you must have been sure that the person is in a place where it would not be terribly embarrassing for him or her. So you may want to breakup with the person when you are sure that the person is at home.

Do not put the breakup blame on the person. Accept some responsibilities. Sometimes, you may have to accept all the responsibilities just for courtesy. If your partner is violent, then you will have to do it on phone or better still, through an e-message. Never breakup with a person without giving the person reasons. Breakup without reasons is disrespectful and not in any way honorable.

My name is Earl, and I am Alright.

God bless Nigeria (good people, great nation).

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