HOW TO ENJOY A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP (part 1 and 2)

 

Part 1

(NIKE ADEDOKUN MINDSHIFT NETWORK WhatsApp Group) ON SUNDAY 24TH APRIL, 2016, FROM 7PM

NOTE: These extracts from the whatsapp groups referred to. The chats that I, #EarlAlright made/used in teaching. There may be grammatical errors and run-on paragraphs because they are chat extracts.

Good evening everyone. I am excited to be with you guys this evening

Thanks to Coach Nike Adedokun and the other admins of this group.

I am happy that I am getting to know one or two persons here one-on-one having met them physically.

I planned meeting more of you during the Hangout in March until I lost my was-to-be Father-in-law and had to be with his family during the hangout.

But I am here now, let’s rock and roll.

Although I am a counselor helping young people with sex and relationship issues and also mentoring other counselors, I want to talk to you guys as a friend today.

No big grammar, no “quotable quotes”, no technical words.

You will have to forgive my English today, I am not in a court of law, so I will speak Nigeria English and mix it with some Bendel pidgin (you call it Warri pidgin)

Let’s just do this. Are you ready?

Okay o. hahahaha

My topic today is HOW TO ENJOY A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.

Not everybody can do a long distance relationship and that’s okay. You mustn’t be able to do everything joor.

However, whether we like it or not, plan it or not, anticipate it or not, at one time or the other, our romantic relationship will have to face the reality of long distance.

Maybe as a business trip, training, a course, a transfer, a mission trip etc. But someway somehow, these occurrences get to separate us from our significant other for a particular time period

Sometimes, it could be for days, weeks, months and in some extreme cases, years upon years.

Sure, you may never have planned that while the relationship began, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t anticipate it.

And if it is something that can well happen, while not just prepare for it now.

So, whether you are in a long distance relationship or not, whether or not you like or will have a long distance pre-marriage relationship, this class tonight is for you.

You hear?

Hahahaha.

Some people are the typical “out of sight, is out of mind” and you can’t blame them or condemn them.

However, even if that’s who you are, I will show you today how to put your significant other always in sight even when she or he is far away.

When Lagbaja did “Never far away”, he was saying “you are always on my mind”. And that’s the whole idea of a committed relationship.

How much is your partner on your mind?

Okay, there are some things I want you to focus on in other to enjoy a long distance relationship.

And these things are things I have learned over the years.

Right from when I was a teen, till now that I am getting married in some months, the relationships I have always had have all been long distance kind of.

Eg, as a teen, my babe was in a boarding house and I had to write letters to her through my aunt who was her guardian.

Sometimes, when she came home from school, and I was in school, I would have to disappear for one weekend to come check and be with her.

By the time we both decided not to continue with that relationship, the other people I chased down the line where, the closest to me, about 8 hours road trip away.

After I didn’t succeed with those relationships, I promised myself that I won’t go into another long distance relationship. But, I lied. Uhm, I lied to myself.

Hehehehe, don’t laugh. Let me tell you why lied to myself

Because of my sexual history, having been abused sexually from before age 5 and having once experimented with homosexuality and known as bi-sexuality,

I didn’t want to be in any close romantic relationship with a person around me. I always felt it wasn’t safe for the person sexually since I still MISSED sex big time.

To me, I can hold body with any person around me when the person isn’t bae, but if the person is bae, mhen, to hold body na torment oh.

And because I had subscribed to sexual purity and no to premarital sex, the only way I diagnosed myself to be able to resist that bae, was to have her far away from me.

Yes, even if we are together in the same neighbourhood for one or two weeks, I fit hold body for that period.

Besides, I also promised myself that I won’t date any person for more than one year. It wasn’t sexually pure realistic for me. And that was the reason I called off a relationship. She didn’t have a wedding date and one year be don almost dey complete.

There was almost no date in view for me to hold body until then. And I didn’t see why I should put my emotions and sexuality through a stress for an unknown date.

Today, I have a great relationship with bae (who is even in this group) and the relationship has been long distance from “day one”

Although there was a period we were together in the same community church for two years, the relationship started two years after we separated.

And that’s my yardstick; before I ask you out, we should have known for at least, one year as friends, face-to-face.

The first way to enjoy your relationship is by:

Deliberate Communication.

Friend, communication is the lubricant in the wheel of every relationship. Don’t joke with it. However, good communication shouldn’t be your goal, but mutual understanding

The purpose of communication is to mutually understand that, the moment the mutual understanding isn’t there, your communication is obviously out of place.

No matter how much you try to explain something to me, speaking French, I can never understand. No vex

It’s not that I am dull but because you are speaking an “unknown” language to me.

Okay, in relationship, it’s not about German or Spanish, but about the love languages, the frame of reference, the pitches and the tones. All these makeup the communication.

One party may say “I don’t like the way you talk or attack me any time…”

Or “you are shouting”

The person definitely understands English but doesn’t understand while you chose to choose those words, or deliver them in such pitch or tone.

So your first goal would be to know and understand how your partner needs and wants to be talked to. And even the when.

Eg, I prefer bae calling me for hours from 9pm till 6am. Call me in the day, but it shouldn’t be more than 5 minutes in the maximum.

Why? Because if I were a banker, a teller, I won’t ordinarily be able to answer a call beyond 2 minutes.

Not even that, I just prefer taking business calls during the day and if it’s not an emergency, or business briefing/instruction taking, I don’t even see why somebody should call me for more than 2 minutes during the day

I may just be in court and sneaked out to answer you. I may be before a client, I may be before a counselee. So the best way for me to function is to separate my day from my night.

I also don’t like people calling me when travelling, checking on me. I just feel it is anxiety and fear of what can happen on the road. So I usually don’t tell family when I have to make long road trips.

Now, it took bae a while to know that. It wasn’t fun at first for us, but we talked well about it and today, I am the one that calls more during the day, targeting her break periods.

Communication also means talking often and about everything.

If it is possible, so that you don’t forget, write down all the significant things that happened during your day so that you can tell and gist about all of them during your “our time” with your significant other.

Guys, I know you may have used all your 13 thousand to 15 thousand words a day on the job, but bros ye, advice yourself, save some thousands of words for her at night oh.

Communication is now very cheap. The communication of the first two months of my relationship was via facebook and whatsapp until we discovered CUG lines with which with about 1k a month, we are able to talk and talk “unlimited”.

Now, this leads me to 2. Give each other attention

Mhen, no matter how busy you are during the day, try to send a check-up chat or sms to him or her every day!

Thank God for instagram and other social media platforms, you can find lovely, romantic, spiritual, etc pictures to just download and send to him or her

Let him or her know that s/he is always in and on your mind.

And one other way to do that is to, every now and then, use his or her face for DP.

Agree on how long times away, physically should be. In my relationship, the maximum is that, for no reason should it be that we didn’t see ourselves in a period of 3 months.

And we have been seeing each other for every two months although I live in Ibadan and she lives in Makurdi.

No commercial airport in that city save Airforce tactical command’s landing space. From Ibadan to that place is 11 hours. It’s 13 hours from Lagos and about 9 hours from Benin.

Who told you that a great relationship is “cheap”, easily comes by, and ordinarily “comfortable”? Guy, babe, if it doesn’t stretch you, then it doesn’t mean much to you.

In your gists, please, don’t always talk about one girl or guy in your office. This leads me to No. 3. Develop trust.

Talk much about the people around you but ensure you don’t talk about this particular opposite sex all the time. That threatens fidelity big time.

Besides, why should there even be this other significant person in your life that you’re always talking about? I am just asking

One amazing way to build trust is to let the whole world know that you are in a relationship with bae/boo

I still don’t get why you are hiding your relationship beyond 3 months. It’s most likely because it’s wrong, ungodly, immoral or you are actually not sure, confident or really concerned about it.

Let every person in your family, your office, your church, your circle of friends know that there is a bae/boo somewhere.

Show it to them through your DP, wall paper, in your conversation.

And No. 4. Inter-relate with others.

See ehn, make we sidon talk truth ehn, if e people no like you, e no go work.

No matter what you think, a relationship that doesn’t have the support of family and friends will hardly work most especially if it’s a long distance relationship

So, guard your romantic investment by getting to relate with her friends and family too.

Call them to check on them, chat them up, send his/her younger siblings and parents credits once a while.

When you visit, buy something for them, fruits is okay.

Guess what? When a romantic-predator is getting close to your significant other, wanting to take advantage of the fact that you are away, his or her family and friends will rise up to defend your interest.

This thing works big time. You need to see the way my family and friends send some babes around me parking and packing just because of bae; they love and accept and have a relationship with her.

  1. Give gifts and surprises

Seriously, there’s nothing that can be done in close distance relationship that also can’t be done in long distance relationships.

The difference is just that in long distance relationship, you spend more efforts and money in being together.

But why settle for something cheap when you can afford a great thing? Long distance relationship is a little expensive, but your bae/boo is worth it.

Or rather, the bae/boo should be worth it.

I know a couple who had a long distance relationship for years. Oh, I even remember another one now.

In one case, there was a time when they only saw once a year. Ehn, una wey una boo/bae dey abroad, how often una dey see? Thank God for skype jare.

Once in a while, give a surprise visit, send a surprise gift. Give surprise bank alerts. 1k is something.

Let me give two examples of this.

On Thursday was my birthday and my bae, in collaboration with my friends here, sent me a cake.

My friend, was in Warri and his bae was in makurdi with me, he mobilized for me to take the babe out on his behalf on her birthday

She didn’t know it was planned and was in confusion because I picked her up from her NYSC PPA to the restaurant and was pretty romantic and she felt I wanted to “toast” her.

It was kinda embarrassing for her because I was her man’s closest friend in the city. It was when we were separating that I mentioned that it was arranged and sponsored by her man.

She was wowed.

Did you know you can contact your bae/boo’s friend to get him/her a lunch pack on your behalf? It won’t cost more than 2k to arrange that.

And if your bae/boo’s friends have now become your friends too, from what I know from first-hand experience, they may even opt to do it for you, free.

This is why you just have to make your family and friends love your bae or boo. Na your job. Na your relationship go enjoy the benefit last, last.

It’s now a rule for me that for every recharge card I get as a gift, half is for bae.

My friend, Dayo Samuel and I decided years ago, that whether we liked it or not, no matter how small it is, when our salaries came in, after removing tithe, remove bae’s share.

That’s love.

  1. Pray together.

I don’t know which religion you are of but I am a Christian and my bae is one too. We discovered that praying together (with or without fasting) over issues or generally, bonded us together the more.

In fact, I am doing a private survey and some persons in this class have volunteered for it. Our results show that praying together makes ladies want to cuddle with their man after the prayer and makes men wish to have sex with their woman (the two different ways males and females kinda express emotional love).

No wonder “old-school pastors/counselors” don’t allow a romantic couple to pray together alone in the house. They usually advice you use the church

Reason: many people from praying together have rounded up the prayers with cuddling together and then sex. Praying together is romantic.

  1. Don’t insist on your rights.

There are many things I can share on this topic but let me not take too much of your time.           Allow me stop with this number 7

Whether it’s a long distance relationship or not, insisting on your rights won’t give you a great relationship.

As a lawyer, most of the divorce cases we handle, all of them sef, is because one person started claiming rights and the other realized s/he too, also had rights.

In a relationship, forget your human rights and focus on your romantic relationship. If you honour, respect and submit to your partner, no matter your sex, you will see your partner giving up his or her rights just for you.

s/he will definitely reciprocate your act of “giving-up rights”

like seriously, you will only understand this better when you get my book ROMANCING LIKE GOD to be released in days.

Let me round up by saying that long distance relationships are as fun as close distance relationship. Although they may be more financially expensive and emotionally demanding, there is always Grace.

When I calculate how much I have spent on my relationship thus far, and know how much income I make, I just realize that this thing isn’t about me but about God.

Marriage is His thing, so He doesn’t only just give you a great person to date and marry, but He also funds the relationship.

Yeah, it’s God’s job to fund your relationship. Just give Him the budget and He would gladly handle it

That’s why I always say that it’s your relationship with Jesus that makes your romantic relationship sweet. God isn’t a romantic kill-joy. You’ll see this in ROMANCING LIKE GOD and in Songs of Solomon.

Thanks @Coach Nike and Mindshift team for this opportunity.

You guys, all of you in here, rock.

But before I go, I will like to take some questions. Any one?

Regarding the CUG lines, whether you are in a long distance relationship or not, contact me privately for information. Why spend all your money on calls?

PART 2

WHATSAPP CLASS AT WOMEN ASSEMBLY (FMP) BY ABOLADE BOLADE ON FRIDAY 29TH APRIL, 2016, FROM 6PM

Note: The part one was first shared in this whatsapp group two days before I took this class. So this class flows from the part 1.

 Okay friends, I don’t want to waste time at all, let’s hit the ground running.

Remember that the only difference between a long distance relationship and a close distance relationship is just the difference between the persons involved and their locations.

While that could mean a lot to one person, it may be nothing to another person.

And whether we like it or not, at one time or the other in our relationship, one person would have to be away for a while

It could be in the pursuit of happiness, development of career or fellowship with God.

And always remember that a happy, healthy and balanced relationships ain’t cheap. They are not “stress-free”

Thinking that everything, every puzzle would fit into its place by itself and automatically is a wish, and if wishes were horses for beggars to ride, every person would have a great relationship.

Truth is, I am just a learner too in this long relationship thing. Thank God I am learning fast.

These are the things you should take into consideration in a long distance relationship and these things are in addition to the 7 things which I shared before.

  1. Learn to resolve disputes harmoniously and fast.

See ehn, relationship skills are relationship skills whether or not it is in school, church, family, work place or community that you need the skills.

If you don’t know how to resolve disputes harmoniously between your siblings, friends, colleagues, church department people, guy, you won’t know how to do it in a relationship.

No be curse.

Never burst in anger. Yes, I know anger is a virtue and an amazing tool for leadership, but mind your language and actions when angry.

Of course, you’ve got many reasons to be angry for but please, always remember that you are angry about an issue and not about your partner.

And hey, if you no say you get bad mouth, abeg, no talk wetin dey vex you with phone call

Sorry for those that doesn’t understand pidgin.

The best way to tell your partner about your hurt or displeasure should be through chats, and please, explain everything in detail.

Tell him/her what hurt you, why you are hurt and any other thing that is vexing you and ensure you keep on assuring him or her of your love and commitment to the relationship.

If na you vex your guy or babe, apologize quickly.

You may not be able to do that via calls because she or he may not pick.

So use sms or chats to apologize. You can even use DPs.

Remember you can’t see this person face to face to apologize. So use other means available.

And please and please, don’t resort to using friends and family to apologize unless you have first exhausted other means.

And one of such other means is visiting the person live where and when it is possible.

Ehn, I know that some persons may still choose not to see you when you travel over to visit. For that kind of childish people, you may use others to apologize.

But wait oh, why behave like a child in an adult business (relationship)?

And if na you he or she apologize to like that, no go dey form still vexing o. na your relationship go suffer. Call back to show your forgiveness, acceptance and love.

And hey, let me tell you one habit you should develop in your relationship. I have seen it work for counselees. It’s working for me and would most likely work for you too.

Always end every call and every chat with “I love you”. Even if it is an sms. Even when you aren’t “feeling” it. Even when you doubt it.

Forgive my grammar today abeg. I am sure that before I die, my English would have been good enough.

Hehehehehehe I pass WAEC and JAMB Sha and even Bar (Finals) Part II exams. No mind me.

  1. Avoid the silence treatment

This is terrible. Guys and babes are guilty of this.

I know how to do this very well and had to unlearn it for the sake of my relationship.

Silence treatment is a cousin, sorry, brother to malice.

You just choose not to talk to your partner.

Mumu, na yourself you dey do.

You think you are hurting your partner? Nah, you are destroying your relationship. In fact #ReceiveSense2016 in Jesus name.

If something hurts you and you can say it, make efforts to write it in a chat. Stop dulling yourself, your partner and the relationship jare.

Remember that your relationship is based on communication because of the long distance and as such, it is in talking that the relationship succeeds.

  1. Grow each other.

I learned this from ancient cultures, customs and practices, I apply it in my relationship and I love the result.

In ancient times, when a man sees a woman and shows interest in her, they become betrothed to each other.

We call it engaged now.

This is what happens that most of your never knew:

The man tells the lady’s family the standards he wants from his wife; I want her to know how to sew, cook this or that, do this and that.

The lady’s family tells the man “you have to have this kind of apartment, this number of male and female servants, your mother shouldn’t be living with you etc.

Both families then separate for months or years trying to achieve the requirements of the other person and until the man has fully reached, attained and gotten the requirements, he doesn’t pay the dowry.

How can you apply this principle to your relationship, even if it is long distance relationship?

Simple, I have poor financial intelligence and have encouraged my fiancée to read and learn more about it so that our finances don’t suffer from my poor intelligence.

I like food and have told her to start developing the cooking culture.

In the house, I like my babe dressing like this and dressing like that. Outside the house, I don’t like this or that.

I do the dishes well and like doing the laundry too. I love ironing. But I can’t seem to always make my bed. I don’t know why.

Now, she is getting prepared for me, to adapt herself to me. And that’s the same way I am adapting myself to her terms and conditions regarding things and people.

We recommend books to each other, so also movies, articles and also whatsapp groups.

I am the bride’s groom. It’s my job to groom my bride, my wife. Parents don’t raise brides or wives, they raise daughters.

They raise you to fit into their likes and dos and not necessarily into his likes and dos.

I know men who don’t see why their wives should be the one doing the cooking; employ a maid.

When there is a programme in the area where your partner lives, tell your partner about it. Sponsor it if possible.

Grow each other; make your man, make your woman.

  1. Sex is more tempting

You think you are facing sexual temptations, wait until you are in a long distance relationship.

You get tempted from the ladies around you and get tempted towards your partner too.

You get tempted with the people around you in church and in the office and also in your community.

Remember you get to see your partner once in a while.

Not just that, because you guys have missed yourself that much, and you guys have been anticipating seeing each other and because you guys will only see for some days, you get so tempted for those few days and hours to touch, hold and do.

The time to be most careful about when it comes to sex is for the 2 or 3 days that you guys would see and be with each other.

And hey, I don’t support sleeping over at you bae or boo’s house. I don’t.

I would share a podcast later about this.

  1. Don’t be a receiver only

Love is competition.

Many people lose their relationship easily because their partner wasn’t really getting anything special from them

I usually say “don’t make it easy for any person to break up with you.”

If your partner breaks up with you today, what would she or he miss?

Sex? Nah. You aren’t even the best sex machine in the world or even in your street or office sef.

And sex is so so wrong in premarriage relationship

What will make your partner miss you?

What is your contribution in and to the relationship?

Love is competition; love me one and I will love you two. Love me three and I would love your four.

  1. honour his/her (our) time.

Because it’s a long distance relationship, you don’t get to spend time with each other save on phone calls and chats

This is it; when it is time to call him or her or chat with him or her, don’t share that time with somebody or something else.

When you go to visit him or her, ensure you spend more time with him more than any other person or thing.

  1. Practice advance forgiveness

Guy, babe, learn to forgive ahead o.

This is irrespective of whether or not it is a long distance or close distance relationship.

Let there be nothing that your partner would do that you can’t forgive

I had to tell my fiancée one day that even if she sexually cheats, I would still forgive it.

God says I should love my wife as Christ loves the church.

Is there any wrong Jesus won’t forgive if you apologize?

I decided to apply the rule in my relationship. If bae can confess it, I must forgive. MUST.

And hey, that mutual forgiveness is what has sustained our relationship through all the hurts we’ve faced.

I have hurt her many times, and she has too. But advance forgiveness is what has kept us together.

You would understand this better when my book ROMANCING LIKE GOD comes out in some days for 3k.

  1. Don’t be stereotyped. Change patterns, kill boredom

Be flexible in your romance.

Romance is doing and saying what makes your partner feels loved, wanted, and cherished unconditionally.

You must not talk at the same time everyday.

You must not send the sms at the particular time of the day.

Change the pattern.

  1. It’s your relationship with Jesus that makes your romantic relationship sweet

You may not be a Christian

You may be one

But I am talking from 12 years plus counselling experience

This ROMANCE thing works better with God

There are too many things and issues that will hit your relationship that only God can fix

Yeah, didn’t you know that ROMANCE is God’s thing ?

Wait for the book

ROMANCING LIKE GOD is the title

This is the part of God I want you to apply,

I shared last time the need of praying together

But there is a higher level

And that’s doing devotions together

I don’t know if mama shared the CUG part

But at night, bae and I get to use rhapsody together on the phone

In the day, or morning, we get to use our separate devotionals

But studying and praying together is romantic and besides, we are growing each other spiritually too and strengthening our relationship and future marriage

I know first-hand as a lawyer and counsellor the many relationships and marriages that prayer has saved

And the ones that only coming together to pray would have saved

We aren’t supposed to do this ROMANCE thing, close or far by our own power and wisdom

A long distance relationship is groove, serious gbedu if you learn to do it well

Try the 7 things I shared last time plus the 8 things this time and you would discover that a long distance relationship isn’t as stressful and demanding as you think

I promised to share one or two podcasts but I want to take your questions

Chezzy, even to find a girl to follow these rules is hard

People like free and cheap and stress less things

They say if he is the one or she is the one, things would just fix and click

For real world? That Na lie

Every great relationship has many sacrifices, giving up of rights, accepting nonsense, spending money, and advancing forgiveness

What my relationship has survived this far, many couldn’t

I know this from the counsellees I take everyday

Your last relationship didn’t breakup because it was a long distance. No. But because one or two of you was whack

WhatsApp me 08125086798 or email earlalright@gmail.com

My name is Earl, and I am Alright. You rock!

PODCASTS (FREE DOWNLOAD)

My take on sleeping over but not having sex http://kiwi6.com/file/30l96aaz0t

My take on sex dreams http://kiwi6.com/file/ulrivytbm2

How to choose husband or wife (pidgin) http://kiwi6.com/artists/AlrightsPassionPodcasts/3-simple-ways-to-choose-husband-or-wife-pidgin-3

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